Thanks for Nothing
by templefugate
Summary: Jonathan had never pegged Edward as being the holiday type, a mistake that got him dragged into what he thought was surely a pitiful excuse for a family Thanksgiving dinner.


"Looks like someone finally decided to crawl out of their hole."

Jonathan pulled the mask from his face, a refreshing blast of cool air hitting his skin. Yet, with the burlap free from his face, there was nothing to hide his heavy frown with.

"What," he spoke, eyeing the large table (how it had even gotten through the doors of the hideout at all was a mystery) in front of him, "is going on?" Whatever it was, it better have been worth hearing Edward scream at him to leave his lab, especially when there were twelve batches of fear toxin that he needed to have finished in less than a week.

"Don't ya check your calendar, Jonny?" Nina asked. She had a plate covered in brown goop in one hand a slender knife that was almost as long as her entire arm in the other. "It's Thanksgiving!"

Jonathan surveyed the table a second time, as if looking for details that he had missed. The food certainly didn't look like anything that he would see on a cooking show, save the turkey, a hulking piece of meat that looked so fine that he had to wonder just what Gotham citizen or upscale butcher's shop it had been stolen from. It certainly wasn't the average one found at a grocery store, and despite himself he found his mouth watering at the sight of it.

Jonathan raised an eyebrow. "Edward, I didn't think that you celebrated this type of holiday."

"I didn't peg you as the type to skip this kind of thing." A small grin crossed his face, his teeth flashing under the dim light before his lips closed again. "Fall harvests have always had scarecrows as their central characters after all."

Edward and his hench-women laughed, the sound filling and echoing through the small room.

"What's so funny?"

Jonathan turned. He supposed that it was no surprise that Edna had gotten dragged into this, though just who had suggested that she "dress up" for the occasion was a mystery. Though, based on the question marked clad trio at the table, it wasn't hard to guess just who had given her the suggestion to draw question marks on her green leotard. And for as tacky as the bright pink tutu was, her father had always worn clothes a thousand times worse.

"Nothing, sweetie," Jonathan replied. "Nothing at all."

Edward shot Jonathan a smirk.

"I made sure to wash my hands like you asked!" The small child held up her hands and waved them around.

"Good," Edward replied. "Come sit down with us." His eyes locked on Jonathan's. "You as well, Jon."

"Come on," Nina added. "It's a family thing. You can't miss it."

"Oh, no," he replied. He raised his hands up, as if trying to shield himself. Judging by the look on Diedre's face, the blonde might just have pulled a gun out if she felt the impulse. "I believe that my hands should be washed also." He gritted his teeth in his best imitation of a smile.

Once he was out of their sight, Jonathan sighed. That was the problem with being with Edward, he supposed, always getting pulled into this kind of nonsense. Last week it had been helping him with one of his latest schemes, and all that had gotten them was nearly shot police and bloodied and bruised by Batman. And he could never forget the time that Edward had forced him to dig through microfiche of newspapers to see if Gotham's legends of a former bat monster to see if it somehow had any links to the bat himself. Despite Edward's insistence afterwards, the connections were pretty weak, that bat being nothing but an urban legend.

Well, he thought, gritting his teeth, at least it's better than The Iceberg Lounge incident.

By the time that he got back to the table, hands freshly cleaned of any remnants of fear gas, everyone else was digging in. The turkey was already noticeably thinner than before. Everyone had a filled plate, especially the one that he presumed to be his.

"I hope you like cranberry sauce," Edward commented. "I threw a bit of everything on there."

"If you don't want anything, I'll take it," Nina said. Already, a quarter of her plate was empty.

"I just don't see why you gave me so much." Picking up a fork, Jonathan began to absently move the food around in circles across his plate.

"You're the only one here who can afford to gain a few holiday pounds." As soon as the words left his mouth, Edward and his hench-women all laughed together, all starting and ending at the same time. Why they couldn't apply this supposedly psychic bond to better pursuits was beyond him.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. Picking up a fork, he began to absently cut at the turkey. Thankfully, no other jokes at his expense seemed to come to mind, and soon the sound of chewing filled the room. The main headquarters of their shared lair, a large room that mostly served as storage save for when Edward needed to build some convulated contraption, hardly had a homely feel, though he supposed that he should have just been thankful that no one had taped fake leaves or turkeys to the wall.

"What are you thankful for?" Edna's words broke the thick silence that had begun to settle over everyone. All eyes turned to her. "That's what the holiday is about-being thankful." She spoke in the same matter of fact tone as her father, another reminder that she had inherited more than just his red hair and freckles.

"That's all a load of crap, kid." Nina said. "Thanksgiving is really all about football and Black Friday."

"Ever the optimist," Diedre replied. She looked back to her plate. "Don't listen to her, dear, because she's wrong." She paused for a moment, her eyebrows lowering and a playful smirk crossing her lips. "About a lot of things!"

"Hey!" Nina gave a glare harder than the turkey knife.

"Oh, but don't think that doesn't mean that I'm thankful for her. A special person can always help get you through life, no matter what trials you face." She reached a hand out and placed it on Nina's shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah," Nina replied, though she leaned into the other woman's touch all the same.

Diedre's hand began to lower and Nina's own left hand was moving from her silverware to the woman next to her. Quickly, Jonathan cleared his throat.

"This is a family event," he said, trying to match Nina's earlier tone. He wrinkled his nose.

The two quickly returned to their hands to their plates.

"Well, I'm thankful for you too, Diedre," Nina replied. "I'm thankful for you too, boss, and you as well, kid." She looked over Jonathan. "I'm thankful for you too, Jonny. You really know how to make Ed relax once the work day is done."

Jonathan quickly looked down to his plate. Diedre and Nina began to laugh and, after a few moments, Edward joined along.

"Papa, what does she mean?" Edna asked.

"Nothing," Jonathan repeated.

"Well I for one am thankful that we at least managed to give the bat some good damage last week," Edward said. "The whole week the guy's been stuck sending out his sidekicks and hasn't been seen out fighting himself."

"Sounds pretty bad," Diedre said.

"Let's hope he stays that way," Edward replied.

Despite himself, Jonathan smiled. That was definitely worth narrowly escaping being thrown back into Arkham for.

"I'm also thankful for Arkham," Edward said.

Jonathan nearly choked on his piece of turkey. "What?"

"Only because I've heard that they're getting some remodeling done," he responded. He smirked. "They're finally installing that revolving door."

For once, Jonathan chuckled. Edward had probably gotten the Joker to stick something into the turkey.

"Well, I'm thankful that the days are getting shorter." Jonathan said. "It's always good to have more time to work."

"You're also pretty thankful that the city's lights suck, eh?" Diedre asked.

Jonathan nodded. "It certainly helps that a good chunk of the city is afraid of the dark."

From the hallway, a grandfather clock that Edward had nabbed a few months ago rang two times.

"Oh, sh-" Diedre said before quickly stopping herself, eyeing Edna. "Okay, grab whatever else you want of the turkey and eat it fast. Ivy's going to be here in a few minutes."

"Pamela's coming?" Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

"And Harley too," Diedre replied. "It was Edward's idea to invite them."

"And you just now mentioned it?" Jonathan groaned.

"Hey, it's not my fault that Pamela's the totalitarian tofu type," Diedre continued. "Luckily for us, we should be full enough by the time she gets here to be able to politely refuse whatever soy or grain or whatever fake hippie meat she brings."

"That means we should probably get started on the pumpkin pie too," Edward added.

Edna's eyes widened. "Really?" Her own plate wasn't even half finished, though he supposed that whoever had filled it for her hadn't taken her age into account. She probably didn't have any room left.

"Definitely," Edward said. "Harley will probably eat the whole thing in one bite."

"That or place a bomb in it," Jonathan replied. Still, his mouth watered at the thought of dessert. "Where is that pie, anyway? I trust that you brought whipped cream."


End file.
